Soul Murderer Pt. 2

I’m depressed.

I know, my blog started out somewhat uplifting, didn’t it? I think at the time I wrote my first blog post, my soul was crying out for some way to cope with the stresses and the slow downfall of my spirits. My brain needed to write down its innermost thoughts and successes. A cry for help to organize its chaos. Writing is a way for me to discover who I am. It’s a way for me to realize the feelings I have inside me. 

It’s like this: One moment, I will feel somewhat alright, content. I will be happy for just a little while, and that is when I feel the beauty of the world. I will breathe the air and enjoy the moment…for just a little while. The next moment, the smallest of things will hit me in the chest and leave me breathless and weak. Always have I been a sensitive person, but even more now than ever. It’s like I can’t even handle constructive criticism like I was once becoming accustomed to in my maturity. The loudest of noises feels personal to me. Life’s little disadvantages makes me feel like a complete failure, and that I should just accept it. I feel like sleeping for most of the day, and in the mornings, I feel there is no reason for me to even get up. For the most part, I feel sadness and anger more than I feel joyful and full of life. Laziness has taken over me completely, and the effortless of tasks leave me so exhausted. The things I once loved to do or felt excited about leave me thinking, “What’s the point?” or, “Why should I even try?” It’s the most horrible thing to feel. I push loved ones and friends away, and I feel that they are doing the same thing to me. I hate being hugged because as silly as this sounds, it takes me away from my thoughts. I sadly feel so distant from everyone, but yet…I want to be distant from everyone. It just doesn’t make any sense.

Frustrated. Angry. Sad. Unaccomplished. Lazy. Irrational. Uninspired. Exhausted. Stressed. Conflicted.

Also, I have always had high levels of anxiety. Never have I been able to manage it, and once, I even went to the emergency room thinking that I was having some sort of heart problem (I had heart surgery when I was four) only to find that I was probably having an anxiety attack. Well, why don’t you try to get help? Why don’t you talk to a therapist? The conflict is this: I really want to speak to someone who can help me understand why I feel the way I do. Maybe it’s just me. Maybe it’s just a silly chemical imbalance. However, not only can I not afford to go see a therapist, I also feel weak. I feel like I should be able to handle my moods, anxiety, and depression myself. I have always been that way, it’s not just a societal issue. When I was having urges to do terrible things a couple of years ago (although I never wanted to do them, mind you), I tried my hardest to think of other things or do tasks in order to preoccupy my mind. That was a scary time for me. Sometimes I still have those urges, but they tend to go away after some of my “training.” Even then I didn’t really want to see a therapist. I felt I could handle it on my own. 

I don’t want to create a pity-party because that is the last thing I want you, my dear reader, to take from this post. My blog is like my diary, but I also want my readers to have something to relate to. It’s always uplifting to me to read that someone else understands. It makes me feel as if I’m not absolutely crazy and that I have their words to hold on to for inspiration. I don’t expect you to comment or to make me feel any better. I just need someone to listen… I know I should pray…but I don’t believe I deserve His mercy. 

Thank you for reading,

Audrey

Soul Murderer

If there is one thing that you really should not do to someone who is depressed, is to put the blame of their own depression on them.

“You are the one causing your own depression. Just stop feeling so sorry for yourself.”

It’s not like we don’t already blame ourselves for everything else that is wrong in the world or in our lives. It’s like, “Well, there’s another thing that I screwed up. I have failed to even make myself happy.”

Damn it.

 

 

What Is Your Source of Inspiration?

Is it music? Is it art? Is it nature?

Is it the way a delicate vine curls itself innocently around the cold, hard, black bar of a guarding iron fence? Is it the way the white sunlight twinkles along the ripples of the turquoise lake? Is it the way a silently graceful ballerina contorts her body in an artistic array of angles and space as she twirls? Is it the musty scent of an old, loosened book whose tattered pages have been turned many times before to the point of frailty?

Or…

Is it the thoughtful expression on a stranger’s face as they’re contemplating a silent, but powerful idea in their mind.

Or the way an accomplished athlete stands strong as the curves of their muscles paint their body, and the sweat tracing along their jawline.

For me, my source of inspiration comes from the tiny details of life to the wonderful masterpieces of human intelligence – a variety of things, so to speak. I seek inspiration in the use of color, pattern, and emotion in various works of art. The way the rain looks on the surface of a window. The way I can actually feel when a certain part of a song captures my soul and flows through my veins, taking me to a part of myself that I wish I could reside in forever. That one romantic ballad. That one powerful guitar riff.

The way a spooky ghost story makes me feel like running or looking all around me in hope that I am not alone, and that there are instances of the unexplained. The sound of a hooting owl among the trees. The way silk feels on bare skin. The warm, rising steam as it swirls away from the surface of a cup of tea. Photographs of our wondrous anatomy; cardiac vines, cephalic hills and valleys, the twists and turns of the tunnels of the Viscera. The artistic genius behind the making of the colors of nature – God. 

Certain colors: aquamarine, emerald green, midnight blue, lavender, blood red, rosette mauve – jewel colors. 

The luxuriously strong, yet warm smell of coffee, a pinch of cinnamon. Twinkling of stars, millions of miles away in space unknown. That wonderful sound in one’s voice as they are describing something they’re passionate about; or even yet, the sound of one’s voice when they take an honest interest in what you are saying. A light, perfumed scent of a summer rose. A microscopic, individual design of a winter snowflake. Gothic spires, Romanesque arches, Second-Empire mansards. Swing dancing: so fun and so spirited. The light, reverberating purrs of a contented cat. My all-time favorite: The little melodies of various songbirds in the spring time.

Life is ugly. Life is also beautiful.  

What inspires you? What things in life are you thankful for that deserve your celebration? What helps you go to the place in your mind in which you feel happiest, away from the dark corners of the world? 

Isn’t it a riddle . . . and awe-inspiring, that everything is so beautiful? Despite the horror. Lately I’ve noticed something grand and mysterious peering through my sheer joy in all that is beautiful, a sense of its creator . . . Only man can be truly ugly, because he has the free will to estrange himself from this song of praise. It often seems that he’ll manage to drown out this hymn with his cannon thunder, curses and blasphemy. But during this past spring it has dawned upon me that he won’t be able to do this. And so I want to try and throw myself on the side of the victor.” – Sophie Scholl

Aside

A Break Is Needed

I’ve been awake since about three, and although I am incredibly exhausted, I am also very much awake.

I need to reevaluate my life. I need to reevaluate my priorities. I need to reevaluate myself as a person.

I try to formulate myself into someone I’m not, I’m afraid. Someone who is not me at the present (nor was in the past), but someone who I would like to become. However, much as I want to be my ideal self, I become bored and lazy and unmotivated, and so I get myself into the mess that I am in now. I see myself as a knowledgeable, cultured, other-worldly, “walking encyclopedia” kind of person in the future. With in mind of the goal person I emulate myself to be, there comes many challenges. For starters, ever since I was a child I have always had a hard time keeping still. My mind was everywhere, and I wanted to do everything and be everywhere. Teachers insisted that my parents take me to be checked for ADHD, to which they refused. I can never stay focused on the task at hand, and I become bored very easily. One day I’ll say, “I want to learn all about trees and be able to identify all of the leaves!” to which I will read about them…for about a day or so. Then I will become bored, and turn my attention to something else entirely – which makes me feel as if I didn’t finish what I wanted to do.

This lead to problems in school, naturally. I would get bored with the homework and the assignments and drift off to dream-land – sketching whenever I could. I didn’t study as much as I should have, and I never could grasp an efficient strategy on doing so without getting immediately distracted. This may be a reason why I was never very good at math. However, as a twenty-two year old, I should be able to concentrate on what I have been told to do, no questions asked. However, that is still a very difficult thing for me to do, and it infuriates me (toward myself) that I have let things get out of hand. There are days when I feel so exhausted from my efforts and petty anxieties, that my mind becomes so befuddled to the point of vegetation.

“Just stick with it! Don’t give up! Things will get better.” Easier said than done. I don’t really need advice, and I don’t need pep-talk. I need someone to listen unquestionably and to let me know that I’m not alone. In all honesty, I would have to make the opinion that “pep-talk” is just wishful, empty conversation from someone who has nothing else to say. Stop. I don’t need mindless pep-talk. I don’t need obtrusive, overbearing advice either. I just want to know that you are a human being just like I am, and that I am not alone.

I feel the best thing for me to do is to take a break from things. To recuperate. I’m not quitting. My future is too important for me to quit, but I also feel that my future depends on my mind taking somewhat of a vacation as well. Also, prayer wouldn’t hurt in the least. I must do that more often.

Audrey

My life didn’t please me, so I created my life.” – Coco Chanel

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Anxiety and self-doubt is always behind me. Image credit to John “Don” Kenn

So Exhausted: An Autobiography

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Image credit to myself, AudreyColleenPhotography via Tumblr

Ever since my hectic summer of glorious ’13, I have been considerably lazy and tired. I don’t know whether it’s recuperation from having two jobs seven days a week and going to class or what, but I have been a little worried about some things I have been experiencing.

First, even though I usually get tired earlier in the fall and winter, I have never felt as exhausted as I have been feeling for the past couple of weeks. I have a terrible time getting out of bed, for one thing, which is pretty normal. I also tend to stay up (recently until 1 – 1:30 am) doing some reading or researching. I have stayed much later before and have actually pulled some all-nighters, but I have never been exhausted like I am. It’s not a, “I’ve stayed up all night,” exhaustion. It’s an icky, sickly exhaustion. It’s like I feel too weak to get out of bed, physically and mentally. Fatigue I suppose is a good term to use as well.

Number two is my dizzy spells. Mind you, I have had them before, and I had a couple of them throughout the last summer. However, in the past couple of days, I have had one episode everyday. They come about so suddenly and so quickly, but I am left stunned, sitting in my seat (thankfully I have been sitting down) trying to gather my wits to figure out what had just happened. I started reading on the difference between vertigo and dizziness. Vertigo is the phenomenon when the world feels like it is spinning around you. As if you were sitting or standing in place, and you feel the room spinning. Dizziness is when your mind feels like it is spinning. Please correct me if I am wrong, but that is how I understood the difference. I felt both! Of course, that probably isn’t uncommon. I had a headache after the dizziness as well, and I had an, “Alice in Wonderland” experience where I felt smaller than everything around me. I know sometimes I don’t eat as correctly as I should, and as silly my excuses are (I don’t have time, I sleep in, whathaveyou.), I still don’t manage my eating schedule like I need to. I try to stay hydrated, and I usually drink water. I actually have grown a distaste for sodas.

I wont go into too much further detail with other problems I have been having, but I have noticed frequent urination has been a concern of mine. I don’t know whether it has been the water I have been drinking (but I have been regularly drinking water for about a year now, and this has never happened) or the green teas and so-called healthy, organic juices (Bolthouse Farms) that I drink or what. Maybe they are just detoxifying my body? I don’t know! I have also been experiencing slight headaches, bodyaches, among other things.

I know, my dear readers, that you are not doctors, and even if you are, you cannot professionally help a strange woman over the internet. However, I did want to relay my concern to anyone who is willing to read, as it helps me organize my thoughts and also receive feedback. It could be low-blood-sugar, and I very well may need to see a doctor. I am prepared to do so if these problems keep up, and I’m sure they will.

Thank you for reading, I know this was very personal.

Audrey

I can’t exactly describe how I feel but it’s not quite right. And it leaves me cold.” – F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Love of the Last Tycoon.

The Entire Case History of Anneliese Michel – The REAL “Emily Rose”. [Warning: Shocking Content]

This article is a must-read. I appreciate so much that this author decided to go into quite some detail; even to the personality of Anneliese instead of the usual, “She was possessed!! Look at these crazy photos!! Oohh spooky!!”

Diabolical Confusions

In the year 1973 anno domini, there was a case of possession and eventual exorcism so extreme that it left an entire country at odds with the topic of religious fanaticism and/or demonic possession. Fresh off the heels of “The Exorcist” being released, a real-life case of diabolical possession occurred, in which afterwards, both the parents of the possessed and the priests who exorcised her were brought to trial – and found guilty. This is the story of a girl named Anneliese Michel, otherwise known as Americans as the true inspiration for the movie “The Exorcism of Emily Rose”, and in one rare case, Hollywood didn’t do enough to sensationalize this story. They actually left too much out of the movie. WARNING: Included in this article are real photos of Anneliese Michel, and actual audio taken by the priests during the exorcism. These are disturbing and shocking images/sounds…

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