Just Ordinary

When I look at my short life, and I evaluate it comparatively to those who have made something of their names, I do not see any legitimate comparison at all. I find myself to be quite dull and lacking in all aspects of my life. Sure, I have had a few successes, but do they really mean anything? To me, perhaps. To my parents, sure. But to the world? They haven’t even a clue as to who I am. To God? I am quite sure that it means everything to Him. However, I also want to make a name for myself, and I’m sure He understands that.

I have my heroes and heroins; those of who I look up to and can’t help but delve my time and spirit into reading about their glorious little lives. As much as I shouldn’t, I evaluate my life, my struggles, my successes, and yet I come back empty-handed. I should be proud, shouldn’t I? Yet, I feel there is something in my past that is missing.

I was never a straight-A student, yet if I applied myself the way that I should have I may have surprised myself. I never considered myself to have extraordinary gifts. I’m an artist, yes. I have gained reputation in school and to others of my talent, but is that enough? I don’t see myself as anything special, yet I yearn from my soul to be known and to make some sort of difference in this cold, yet beautiful world. I have never been considered brilliant, yet I desire to become so.

What is it in our lives, in our being that predetermines what kind of affect we are going to have on the rest of the world? To inspire people. There are those who walk day-by-day to work, to school, through life, yet hardly anyone knows their name. There are those who have tried and tried, and yet hardly anyone knows their name. What makes a person a scholar, a poet, an artist, a scientist, a name that is on every wall of every aspiring college student who wants to make a name of their own? A name whose quotes are flittering through the minds and hearts of intellectuals and the gifted. A name you see on billboards to remind the oncoming drivers or passengers that they have the chance to change their own lives?

I can’t help but think about the destinies of man and of the fates of each person I come into contact with. Who are they going to become? Where are they going to end up? Why are some of us born with tremendously high IQs, yet some of us are born with very low IQs? Sometimes I wonder of those who even though they have low IQs, are they not ingenious because they can use what they have obtained to the best of their advantage? I have known of people who have been born with mental handicaps, yet they are much more clever than even some geniuses. This also pertains to those with physical handicaps as well, as it always amazes me how people who have been born differently or who were in an accident ingeniously adapts to human society. Then it occurs to me, that maybe the reason why some of us are predestined to inspire millions of other people is because we have used what is given to us to the full, if not overflowing, capacity.

By all means, use what you have. You never know where it’s going to take you.

Audrey

“God, how I ricochet between certainties and doubts.” – Sylvia Plath

Advertisements
Aside

A Break Is Needed

I’ve been awake since about three, and although I am incredibly exhausted, I am also very much awake.

I need to reevaluate my life. I need to reevaluate my priorities. I need to reevaluate myself as a person.

I try to formulate myself into someone I’m not, I’m afraid. Someone who is not me at the present (nor was in the past), but someone who I would like to become. However, much as I want to be my ideal self, I become bored and lazy and unmotivated, and so I get myself into the mess that I am in now. I see myself as a knowledgeable, cultured, other-worldly, “walking encyclopedia” kind of person in the future. With in mind of the goal person I emulate myself to be, there comes many challenges. For starters, ever since I was a child I have always had a hard time keeping still. My mind was everywhere, and I wanted to do everything and be everywhere. Teachers insisted that my parents take me to be checked for ADHD, to which they refused. I can never stay focused on the task at hand, and I become bored very easily. One day I’ll say, “I want to learn all about trees and be able to identify all of the leaves!” to which I will read about them…for about a day or so. Then I will become bored, and turn my attention to something else entirely – which makes me feel as if I didn’t finish what I wanted to do.

This lead to problems in school, naturally. I would get bored with the homework and the assignments and drift off to dream-land – sketching whenever I could. I didn’t study as much as I should have, and I never could grasp an efficient strategy on doing so without getting immediately distracted. This may be a reason why I was never very good at math. However, as a twenty-two year old, I should be able to concentrate on what I have been told to do, no questions asked. However, that is still a very difficult thing for me to do, and it infuriates me (toward myself) that I have let things get out of hand. There are days when I feel so exhausted from my efforts and petty anxieties, that my mind becomes so befuddled to the point of vegetation.

“Just stick with it! Don’t give up! Things will get better.” Easier said than done. I don’t really need advice, and I don’t need pep-talk. I need someone to listen unquestionably and to let me know that I’m not alone. In all honesty, I would have to make the opinion that “pep-talk” is just wishful, empty conversation from someone who has nothing else to say. Stop. I don’t need mindless pep-talk. I don’t need obtrusive, overbearing advice either. I just want to know that you are a human being just like I am, and that I am not alone.

I feel the best thing for me to do is to take a break from things. To recuperate. I’m not quitting. My future is too important for me to quit, but I also feel that my future depends on my mind taking somewhat of a vacation as well. Also, prayer wouldn’t hurt in the least. I must do that more often.

Audrey

My life didn’t please me, so I created my life.” – Coco Chanel

Image

Anxiety and self-doubt is always behind me. Image credit to John “Don” Kenn